I've been thiunking a lot about driving lately. I know someone who was pulled over and convicted of DUI. Not a crazy person, or a alcoholic person, or an irresponsible person. A person taking their significant other home because their significant other had decidedly had too much to drink. A person that wasn't pulled over for driving erratically, rather for expired tags and the condemned by the nystagmus test. But that is another blog altogether. What is important is the thinking about driving.
Tonight for instance. I'm driving and I'm sweating and my chest is tight. My heart is beating Way too fast and I'm hyper-vigilant. I know there is not a single line crossed coming to a complete stop. There is not a single turn unannounced by the liberal use of the turn signal. No, I've not been drinking, or smoking or anything else that conflicts with driving. I went out tonight. If you knew me you would know how odd that is. I realized it was the first time I'd gone out by myself, when I wasn't working in probably 2 years.
A friend's band was playing tonight and I'd promised months ago that I would be in attendance for this performance on March 2nd, wednesday night.. Well, at 8:45pm I was in my pajamas and slippers with my hair in this odd little knot on top of my head. I suddenly remembered it was march 2nd and that I was supposed to be somewhere and I literally threw on some jeans, makeup and left (no, it was not that easy)
I know I said I was going to stick to talking about driving but... I get to the bar and I'm just in time to see the band play their second encore. It totally rocks. The guys are great and the place is packed. It's sweaty in the bar. Not just warm, but sweaty. But good, honest, rocker sweaty and reminds me of being much younger. suppose I look as normal as I ever do, but inside my head I'm bouncing off the walls, peeing my pants, sweating, I have toilet paper on my shoe, my fly in undone, and there is still a tag that says 16W on my jeans. I don't know if anyone else ever feels that way, but that's what's going on in my head when you see me enter a bar. The secret is out.
Immediately upon entering the bar I see several people in the band that I know and I give/get hugs and tell them how great they are. I feel guilty as all hell that I missed the majority of the show. My shoes are new and they have a very odd sole that is supposed to tone my calves but only a portion of the bottom of my shoes is actually touching the ground. I painstakingly make my way into the back of the bar, the casino portion, without tripping over or insulting anyone. The casino is lined with mirrors, which may be why I hate the casino. I get to the bar, where I'm facing a much calmer looking reflection of myself than I feel. I see Alice, my friend, the bartender. Alice is awesome. Some of you may know Alice, in which case, no more needs to be said, you already know how great Alice is. OR You don't know Alice, in which case, you're missing out.. Alice brings me a drink and allows me to vent about my internal craziness. She's busy and I can tell I'm keeping her too long. The guy next to me who is really just a kid, either tries to strike up a conversation with me in attempts of humiliating me by calling me a "fat, cow" in front of his friends (yes, that's what's going on in my head) or he's hitting on me. I don't know why he'd be hitting on me, he's much to young and He looks like I could toss him into the air like a child. In either case, I shut him down quickly and head outside to the porch.
While outside I smoke my electonic cigarette while everyone around me smokes real cigarettes. I test myself, do the deed,.. I take the last drag off someone's smoke. It's terrible. I have absolutely no desire to smoke a cigarette or take another drag. That's a good thing But I'm still going a million miles an hour in my head. I find a spot at the back table where I can observe the other people outside but not be in the middle of it. I talk to a few people, meet a interesting fellow from the Ozark Mountains with a firery beard, a nasel septum piercing, and a long criminal history. We have a rousing discussion about pirates and republicans and how much I hate the state he grew up in. I think he's hitting on me too because he doesn't want to talk much more after I start singing the praises of the love of my life. Eh.
I meet a nice couple who are from some unknown area, that isn't local. They are agreeable enough and they are interested in my electronic cigarette. They say they were smoking and talking and they saw the green LED light on the end of my e-smoke and that prompted them to come over to introduce themselves. The guy pulls out a small glass pipe and offers to get me stoned. I will not comment about whether I took him up on the offer but suddenly Boom... I'm back to square one on the paranoia front. I know I can't drive home and I'm cold and tired of sitting outside, making conversation with the pirate and second guessing everything that comes out of my mouth. I get involved in checking the news headlines on my phone. An older man wearing the carcass of some sort of canine critter on his head (fox, coyote?Unfortunate mutt?))) comes over and says something entirely unintelligible to me. I answer "YES!" and go back to my phone until he leaves. at which point I decide that I've been there long enough that I'm sober, aside from the craziness inside my head,
It's time to go home. After fighting my way back through the throng, I place my 3/4's full watered down cocktail on the bar and go outside. There is a couple outside on the sidewalk arguing drunkenly and loudly about the merits of their respective best friends. I get in the car, put on my seatbelt, turn on the engine and the headlights and then it strikes me. We casually accept the responsibility of driving multiple times a day. We are known by our cars, often definded by them. Everyone wants to know what everyone else is driving. We want the newest model and the newest features. Miles per gallan, miles per hour, etc. But shit, driving is basically a human being given a giant weapon with which to travel about at high rates of speed. I realize that sounds a bit extreme but really that is what driving boils dowm to. A single mistake could lead to deadly disaster at any time when we're driving. Good lord. Think about that.
I drive home particularly carefullly and probably below the speed limit. I make sure to stop before each stop sign, use my blinkers, travel in the center of the lane, look out at where I'm going and check for deer. I know I automatically do these things whenever I drive but I do them without thinking. I'm careful not to talk on my phone and drive, or drink and drive. I try to be conscientious and aware when driving.I think of my sister and my niece and all the idiots who have driver's licenses. By the time I get home I'm fairly sure I never want to drive again. But I know I will , tomorrow.
Maybe I just need to be more confident in my abilities. I know I'm not a bad driver, I've never been in an accident. Perhaps all the worrying will make me a worse driver. Hmmmm. Maybe if i were more confident in my driving, I'd be more confident when I went out by myself and was stuck in social situations. Perhaps just concentrating on confidence would be more pleasant as well as more effective. Maybe if it didn't shock me that people seem interested in talking to me, or that I made it home perfectly safe, I'd be better off. There is also a slight chance than I overthink things in general. The morals of the story are "THings are not always as calm as they appear" and "Drive Safely".
Tonight for instance. I'm driving and I'm sweating and my chest is tight. My heart is beating Way too fast and I'm hyper-vigilant. I know there is not a single line crossed coming to a complete stop. There is not a single turn unannounced by the liberal use of the turn signal. No, I've not been drinking, or smoking or anything else that conflicts with driving. I went out tonight. If you knew me you would know how odd that is. I realized it was the first time I'd gone out by myself, when I wasn't working in probably 2 years.
A friend's band was playing tonight and I'd promised months ago that I would be in attendance for this performance on March 2nd, wednesday night.. Well, at 8:45pm I was in my pajamas and slippers with my hair in this odd little knot on top of my head. I suddenly remembered it was march 2nd and that I was supposed to be somewhere and I literally threw on some jeans, makeup and left (no, it was not that easy)
I know I said I was going to stick to talking about driving but... I get to the bar and I'm just in time to see the band play their second encore. It totally rocks. The guys are great and the place is packed. It's sweaty in the bar. Not just warm, but sweaty. But good, honest, rocker sweaty and reminds me of being much younger. suppose I look as normal as I ever do, but inside my head I'm bouncing off the walls, peeing my pants, sweating, I have toilet paper on my shoe, my fly in undone, and there is still a tag that says 16W on my jeans. I don't know if anyone else ever feels that way, but that's what's going on in my head when you see me enter a bar. The secret is out.
Immediately upon entering the bar I see several people in the band that I know and I give/get hugs and tell them how great they are. I feel guilty as all hell that I missed the majority of the show. My shoes are new and they have a very odd sole that is supposed to tone my calves but only a portion of the bottom of my shoes is actually touching the ground. I painstakingly make my way into the back of the bar, the casino portion, without tripping over or insulting anyone. The casino is lined with mirrors, which may be why I hate the casino. I get to the bar, where I'm facing a much calmer looking reflection of myself than I feel. I see Alice, my friend, the bartender. Alice is awesome. Some of you may know Alice, in which case, no more needs to be said, you already know how great Alice is. OR You don't know Alice, in which case, you're missing out.. Alice brings me a drink and allows me to vent about my internal craziness. She's busy and I can tell I'm keeping her too long. The guy next to me who is really just a kid, either tries to strike up a conversation with me in attempts of humiliating me by calling me a "fat, cow" in front of his friends (yes, that's what's going on in my head) or he's hitting on me. I don't know why he'd be hitting on me, he's much to young and He looks like I could toss him into the air like a child. In either case, I shut him down quickly and head outside to the porch.
While outside I smoke my electonic cigarette while everyone around me smokes real cigarettes. I test myself, do the deed,.. I take the last drag off someone's smoke. It's terrible. I have absolutely no desire to smoke a cigarette or take another drag. That's a good thing But I'm still going a million miles an hour in my head. I find a spot at the back table where I can observe the other people outside but not be in the middle of it. I talk to a few people, meet a interesting fellow from the Ozark Mountains with a firery beard, a nasel septum piercing, and a long criminal history. We have a rousing discussion about pirates and republicans and how much I hate the state he grew up in. I think he's hitting on me too because he doesn't want to talk much more after I start singing the praises of the love of my life. Eh.
I meet a nice couple who are from some unknown area, that isn't local. They are agreeable enough and they are interested in my electronic cigarette. They say they were smoking and talking and they saw the green LED light on the end of my e-smoke and that prompted them to come over to introduce themselves. The guy pulls out a small glass pipe and offers to get me stoned. I will not comment about whether I took him up on the offer but suddenly Boom... I'm back to square one on the paranoia front. I know I can't drive home and I'm cold and tired of sitting outside, making conversation with the pirate and second guessing everything that comes out of my mouth. I get involved in checking the news headlines on my phone. An older man wearing the carcass of some sort of canine critter on his head (fox, coyote?Unfortunate mutt?))) comes over and says something entirely unintelligible to me. I answer "YES!" and go back to my phone until he leaves. at which point I decide that I've been there long enough that I'm sober, aside from the craziness inside my head,
It's time to go home. After fighting my way back through the throng, I place my 3/4's full watered down cocktail on the bar and go outside. There is a couple outside on the sidewalk arguing drunkenly and loudly about the merits of their respective best friends. I get in the car, put on my seatbelt, turn on the engine and the headlights and then it strikes me. We casually accept the responsibility of driving multiple times a day. We are known by our cars, often definded by them. Everyone wants to know what everyone else is driving. We want the newest model and the newest features. Miles per gallan, miles per hour, etc. But shit, driving is basically a human being given a giant weapon with which to travel about at high rates of speed. I realize that sounds a bit extreme but really that is what driving boils dowm to. A single mistake could lead to deadly disaster at any time when we're driving. Good lord. Think about that.
I drive home particularly carefullly and probably below the speed limit. I make sure to stop before each stop sign, use my blinkers, travel in the center of the lane, look out at where I'm going and check for deer. I know I automatically do these things whenever I drive but I do them without thinking. I'm careful not to talk on my phone and drive, or drink and drive. I try to be conscientious and aware when driving.I think of my sister and my niece and all the idiots who have driver's licenses. By the time I get home I'm fairly sure I never want to drive again. But I know I will , tomorrow.
Maybe I just need to be more confident in my abilities. I know I'm not a bad driver, I've never been in an accident. Perhaps all the worrying will make me a worse driver. Hmmmm. Maybe if i were more confident in my driving, I'd be more confident when I went out by myself and was stuck in social situations. Perhaps just concentrating on confidence would be more pleasant as well as more effective. Maybe if it didn't shock me that people seem interested in talking to me, or that I made it home perfectly safe, I'd be better off. There is also a slight chance than I overthink things in general. The morals of the story are "THings are not always as calm as they appear" and "Drive Safely".
Oh, it is a great post! I really like it!^_^
ReplyDeleteimma drivin withayou!
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