I knew it was going to happen. It always does. Not just to me but to everyone and for everything. I spent a lot of time dreading it's arrival and planning for various contingencies . I put far too much mental energy into worrying about it. I knew When I was worrying that I would regret it later but unfortunately that thought pattern did very little to help.
I'm certain that I am no longer on top of my (hypo)manic wave. How odd that as i type that I feel guilt over using the wave metaphor because of the recent events in Japan. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that inappropriate guilt is a mark of my shift. 'Shift', that's not a bad term. I guess I could think of my brain in terms of automotive lingo, my moods being a transmission of sorts.
Tomorrow I go to the doctor. I will ask him to adjust my meds, but I don't think it will change the Shift. I guess I need to sit down and write it all out but frankly that sounds like a lot of work. I know that's my slow side talking. I'm afraid I won't like myself in this lower gear. More though, I'm afraid Richard and my parents won't like me in this gear. What if everyone just pretends to like me until the faster better me shows back up? Does that seem like a crazy idea to anyone else? yeah, me too.
i suppose i should mention that I have a new Puppy. She is a "chiweenie" meaning that she's a dachshund chihuahua mix. She is adorable and funny and doing an excellent job of keeping my "mom void" filled. Prior to getting her, all I could think about was babies. I don't know if it's because it's spring, or because of my niece, or because i'm now 33, or because I'm with the love of my life, or because my dog KC is getting toward the end of his life... probably a combination of all of the above. I had/have baby fever. Roxanne, or ROXIE as she is called is a lifesaver. She has the "new" smell and sharp little puppy teeth and a pink belly and she does funny baby stuff and that keeps my brain busy most of the time. When things slow down and it's quiet, I think about how she is NOT a Baby. Damn my biological clock. I always kinda hoped the clock was a bit of fictitious lore but it turns out to be very real.
I've read about the biological and brain chemistry behind manic depression and it's quite interesting. I think of it either as a wave or a see-saw. You have a continuum of highs and lows, with a pivotal middle that represents a perfectly balanced mood. I have no aspirations of achieving homeostasis but I would like to spend most of my time in a reasonable margin around balance. I think of that area as Zen. I've felt zen in the past couple months, less so the past few weeks. From my research, it seems that when I'm UP and running fast, I'm burning through neurotransmitter chemicals in my brain. Unfortunately, neurotransmitters are like fossil fuels and since I'm against farking and exploratory drilling, after the manic use of my neurotransmitters, there is a dip in production and usage while we wait for our reserves to refill.
Well, loyal readers, this entry is pretty much a rambling stream of consciousness which probably isn't a lot of fun to read. I hope to continue this entry after my doctors appointment tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed.
I'm certain that I am no longer on top of my (hypo)manic wave. How odd that as i type that I feel guilt over using the wave metaphor because of the recent events in Japan. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that inappropriate guilt is a mark of my shift. 'Shift', that's not a bad term. I guess I could think of my brain in terms of automotive lingo, my moods being a transmission of sorts.
Tomorrow I go to the doctor. I will ask him to adjust my meds, but I don't think it will change the Shift. I guess I need to sit down and write it all out but frankly that sounds like a lot of work. I know that's my slow side talking. I'm afraid I won't like myself in this lower gear. More though, I'm afraid Richard and my parents won't like me in this gear. What if everyone just pretends to like me until the faster better me shows back up? Does that seem like a crazy idea to anyone else? yeah, me too.
i suppose i should mention that I have a new Puppy. She is a "chiweenie" meaning that she's a dachshund chihuahua mix. She is adorable and funny and doing an excellent job of keeping my "mom void" filled. Prior to getting her, all I could think about was babies. I don't know if it's because it's spring, or because of my niece, or because i'm now 33, or because I'm with the love of my life, or because my dog KC is getting toward the end of his life... probably a combination of all of the above. I had/have baby fever. Roxanne, or ROXIE as she is called is a lifesaver. She has the "new" smell and sharp little puppy teeth and a pink belly and she does funny baby stuff and that keeps my brain busy most of the time. When things slow down and it's quiet, I think about how she is NOT a Baby. Damn my biological clock. I always kinda hoped the clock was a bit of fictitious lore but it turns out to be very real.
I've read about the biological and brain chemistry behind manic depression and it's quite interesting. I think of it either as a wave or a see-saw. You have a continuum of highs and lows, with a pivotal middle that represents a perfectly balanced mood. I have no aspirations of achieving homeostasis but I would like to spend most of my time in a reasonable margin around balance. I think of that area as Zen. I've felt zen in the past couple months, less so the past few weeks. From my research, it seems that when I'm UP and running fast, I'm burning through neurotransmitter chemicals in my brain. Unfortunately, neurotransmitters are like fossil fuels and since I'm against farking and exploratory drilling, after the manic use of my neurotransmitters, there is a dip in production and usage while we wait for our reserves to refill.
Well, loyal readers, this entry is pretty much a rambling stream of consciousness which probably isn't a lot of fun to read. I hope to continue this entry after my doctors appointment tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed.
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