I'm NOT SICK again. aka Happy Birthday to Me ...

Happy Birthday to Me... Happy Birthday to Me.... Happy Birthday dear lady I'm getting to know ... Happy Birthday to Me!!!! (and many moooore.....)  It's my party and I won't cry if I want to... LsLaLa

Ok, I'm sorry you had to bear witness to that, but it's out of my system now and that's what's important. I am 33 today and I'm happy about it. Not only am I happy, I'm excited. I could not say the same on my 30th or 31st or even my 32nd birthday, which makes this one even better. Richard and I got a room at the Stevensville Hotel tonight and it has truly been a great night. We had mediocre Mexican food for dinner (the gas is stellar though) and then came back to this amazing room. *Quick overview of the room* King bed with earth toned bedding, a deep soaking tub in the bathroom, huge picture windows and a hardwood floor from the turn of the century.* We took a nap at 7 o'clock and didn't get up til nearly 9, and it felt incredible. We took the dog outside and ended up walking around the block in the cold and laughing until I coughed myself silly. We watched a couple episodes of South park and giggled like school girls at a sleep over. Had a long bath while Richard read to me out of the travel guide in the room, (we found an error where it says that Marcus Daly was a COOPER king, rather than a Copper king). Made love in the sort of way that has you smiling and giggling during and snuggling afterwords. We talked about the fact that I know I have type 2 diabetes that has been uncontrolled for the past 3 years and that I need to put an end to the uncontrolled part. He is such an understanding man. I tell him things that translate into "Hey, this is a life changer" and he smiles and rolls with the punches like a champ. I also came to several mental points that I think are important and a big reason I'm writing this at two in the morning.

I've not mentioned  yet in my blogs that everything in my life currently is rotating around the central theme of a recent diagnosis of Bi-Polar type 2. I've been trying to figure out how to put everything from the past month into sequence, for the ease of my readers (potential readers), but there is no good way to go about it and the process of going about it, is getting complicated. So.. A month ago, after having what I call my "awakening" I went to the doctor because I felt that I had bi-polar disorder type 2. The doctor confirmed it and I started on medication. I do not advise self diagnosis of mental health disorders but this is a little different. I guess it boils down to my mother's favorite adage "Do as I say, not as I do". I had been operating under the diagnosis of depression, generalized anxiety disorder and OCD for a long time. When I wasn't actively battling those demons, I was UP... WAY UP and hyperfocused on something. Turns out that when you take all of those things together and mix them up in a bowl, you get a steaming batch of Bi-Polar type 2. The type 2 means that when I'm UP, I don't require the men in the white coats with the butterfly nets and straight jackets. I don't break with reality. I just move, think, speak, type.. FAST and I am able to hyper focus on things. I know, it sounds great, but don't go running off to whip yourself up a batch of bi-polar just yet. When you run that fast and hot for a period of time, you burn up all the important little neurotransmitters in your brain and then you head for the DOWN part of manic-depression, and trust me you don't want that.

I've been thinking about the DOWN side of this diagnosis a lot lately and it's been terribly frightening. I know what the severe depression feels like and it's an ugly, empty, dark, scary place that I have no desire to inhabit again. It's difficult to enjoy my newly found insight with the depression monster lurking over your shoulder but it seemed to me there was no way to avoid it. The medication is suppposed to take off the highest part of the UP mood and the lowest part of the DOWN moods, but the prospect was still scary. I have been associating UP with Good and DOWN with Bad. I realized tonight that I don't have to do that. There is nothing inherently good about being UP. Conversely there is nothing inherently bad about being DOWN. I need to replace those labels with FAST and SLOW. Like 2 speeds on a transmission. Nothing either good or bad about either, just useful in different ways. Right now I'm running Fast and I know in my heart of hearts that I can't keep running this fast indefinitely. I have to Slow down at some point. However, the sky need not fall in. I can be happy, and productive and SLOW at the same time. This concept is only a couple of hours old but it brings the comfort of a security blanket. I can embrace the FAST feelings I'm having now, knowing the the SLOW feelings will be equally good, just different.

I imagine this is difficult for someone who is not in my size 10 shoes to read and grasp fully, I hope I've explained it in a way that is manageable. In the long run the important part is that i've documented it. i can come back to this train of thought and hop aboard in the future, because I've taken the time to write it down. I can turn the light off and snuggle up next to the two snore machines here in bed with me, and I can have good dreams because I'm not nearly as afraid of the future as I was last year, last week, or even this morning. Happy Birthday to me.