I'm NOT SICK again. aka Happy Birthday to Me ...

Happy Birthday to Me... Happy Birthday to Me.... Happy Birthday dear lady I'm getting to know ... Happy Birthday to Me!!!! (and many moooore.....)  It's my party and I won't cry if I want to... LsLaLa

Ok, I'm sorry you had to bear witness to that, but it's out of my system now and that's what's important. I am 33 today and I'm happy about it. Not only am I happy, I'm excited. I could not say the same on my 30th or 31st or even my 32nd birthday, which makes this one even better. Richard and I got a room at the Stevensville Hotel tonight and it has truly been a great night. We had mediocre Mexican food for dinner (the gas is stellar though) and then came back to this amazing room. *Quick overview of the room* King bed with earth toned bedding, a deep soaking tub in the bathroom, huge picture windows and a hardwood floor from the turn of the century.* We took a nap at 7 o'clock and didn't get up til nearly 9, and it felt incredible. We took the dog outside and ended up walking around the block in the cold and laughing until I coughed myself silly. We watched a couple episodes of South park and giggled like school girls at a sleep over. Had a long bath while Richard read to me out of the travel guide in the room, (we found an error where it says that Marcus Daly was a COOPER king, rather than a Copper king). Made love in the sort of way that has you smiling and giggling during and snuggling afterwords. We talked about the fact that I know I have type 2 diabetes that has been uncontrolled for the past 3 years and that I need to put an end to the uncontrolled part. He is such an understanding man. I tell him things that translate into "Hey, this is a life changer" and he smiles and rolls with the punches like a champ. I also came to several mental points that I think are important and a big reason I'm writing this at two in the morning.

I've not mentioned  yet in my blogs that everything in my life currently is rotating around the central theme of a recent diagnosis of Bi-Polar type 2. I've been trying to figure out how to put everything from the past month into sequence, for the ease of my readers (potential readers), but there is no good way to go about it and the process of going about it, is getting complicated. So.. A month ago, after having what I call my "awakening" I went to the doctor because I felt that I had bi-polar disorder type 2. The doctor confirmed it and I started on medication. I do not advise self diagnosis of mental health disorders but this is a little different. I guess it boils down to my mother's favorite adage "Do as I say, not as I do". I had been operating under the diagnosis of depression, generalized anxiety disorder and OCD for a long time. When I wasn't actively battling those demons, I was UP... WAY UP and hyperfocused on something. Turns out that when you take all of those things together and mix them up in a bowl, you get a steaming batch of Bi-Polar type 2. The type 2 means that when I'm UP, I don't require the men in the white coats with the butterfly nets and straight jackets. I don't break with reality. I just move, think, speak, type.. FAST and I am able to hyper focus on things. I know, it sounds great, but don't go running off to whip yourself up a batch of bi-polar just yet. When you run that fast and hot for a period of time, you burn up all the important little neurotransmitters in your brain and then you head for the DOWN part of manic-depression, and trust me you don't want that.

I've been thinking about the DOWN side of this diagnosis a lot lately and it's been terribly frightening. I know what the severe depression feels like and it's an ugly, empty, dark, scary place that I have no desire to inhabit again. It's difficult to enjoy my newly found insight with the depression monster lurking over your shoulder but it seemed to me there was no way to avoid it. The medication is suppposed to take off the highest part of the UP mood and the lowest part of the DOWN moods, but the prospect was still scary. I have been associating UP with Good and DOWN with Bad. I realized tonight that I don't have to do that. There is nothing inherently good about being UP. Conversely there is nothing inherently bad about being DOWN. I need to replace those labels with FAST and SLOW. Like 2 speeds on a transmission. Nothing either good or bad about either, just useful in different ways. Right now I'm running Fast and I know in my heart of hearts that I can't keep running this fast indefinitely. I have to Slow down at some point. However, the sky need not fall in. I can be happy, and productive and SLOW at the same time. This concept is only a couple of hours old but it brings the comfort of a security blanket. I can embrace the FAST feelings I'm having now, knowing the the SLOW feelings will be equally good, just different.

I imagine this is difficult for someone who is not in my size 10 shoes to read and grasp fully, I hope I've explained it in a way that is manageable. In the long run the important part is that i've documented it. i can come back to this train of thought and hop aboard in the future, because I've taken the time to write it down. I can turn the light off and snuggle up next to the two snore machines here in bed with me, and I can have good dreams because I'm not nearly as afraid of the future as I was last year, last week, or even this morning. Happy Birthday to me.

How it feels to get sick.

I have recently begun writing myself notes. Notes about thoughts I have. Notes about things I need to remember. Notes about things I need to remember to do. Notes about things I don't want to forget. I call these notes Mental Bookmarks, as I think that is what they are. As long as I document my intellectual place in time, I can return to my thoughts at any time. Think of the notes as a sort of mental GPS.

Before you go getting all excited about writing yourself notes, be aware that there are consequences to constant documentation. Firstly, you will probably have ink on your hands all the time. Secondly, if you are anything like me, you will lose your pens and your notebooks. Thirdly (does anyone use the word thirdly?) and this is a big one, you will feel like a simpleton if you write notes like I do. More on the thirdly consequence later, let's stick with the first 2 for now. *makes note*

In the spirit of documentation, I'm going to document the physical and mental progression involved in getting sick. My father and niece have been sick all week. My dad in particular has had a rough time; headache, fever, cough, sneezing, whining, moaning, sighing.... The whole plethora of flu symptoms. I have tried to battle the virus with positive thought, but it turns out that positive thought doesn't work worth shit. There are other less than useful "cold/flu" remedies and I'll list them as they come.

Coughing sucks. I quit smoking nearly 4 weeks ago and have been looking forward to enjoying a life free of coughing. This virus kinda throws a kink in those plans. It's a chest cough and at first I thought it was no big deal. At the first sign of getting the bug my dad has, I though to myself "You won't get as sick as he is" and "You're in a good mental place, and not overly stressed" and "herbs and positive thinking will help stave off the worst" . All of that is well and good but the fact is, I'm sitting here at midnight and my head hurts like crazy. I'm hot and every time I cough my head throbs a little. So far, this is no fun. Maybe I'll try sleeping.

7hours later... Well, sleeping didn't go so well. However, I'm a champ at sweating, tossing, turning, coughing and cursing. I was up at 3 again at 5 and finally out of bed at 6:30. Keep in mind that I don't like getting up at 6:30 when I feel good. I like it even less when I feel bad. My body is betraying me. My eyes, nose, ears and mouth all feel very hot and not in a good way. My chest hurts when I'm not coughing and even more when I am. Apparently my head is full of snot in fact it feels as though someone has taken some of that expanding foam insulation and applied it directly to my sinuses. In case you're ever tempted to put self expanding foam in your nose, DON'T!!

I'm going to the doctor in half an hour. I've decided that enduring these symptoms without the assistance of modern medicine will not make me tougher, or build character. It will just make me bitchy and bitter. Hopefully the doctor can give me something for cough that will allow me to sleep and keep this headache from making me insane.

More later...

The other side of the page.

The other side of the page, where I exist.

I’m always busy. Even when people have  thought I was doing nothing, being lazy.. I am busy. Busy in my own head. There have been periods of time in my life where I barely left the house for months on end. When I slept as much as I could. But still, I was busy. Either busy thinking and worrying or busy trying to run from my thoughts and worries.   Always afraid of being truly still and having to deal with my busy, frenetic thoughts.

I feel guilty for things beyond my control. I’ve sought mind altering substances and activities in the past,  to put my mind at rest or to make myself feel less crazy. Obsessive habits and drugs take away the guilt and feelings of responsibility that I could not deal with. My brain is never still. I cannot command it to be still. Always thinking outside myself. Layers upon layers upon layers. There is clearly no omnipotent god. I feel like Jim , the resident with an inability to articulate verbally due to a stroke. I cannot keep focus on things, there are just too many things. Thousands of ideas but I have to pause them in order to deal with each one, and I’ve not been able to do that. There is not enough time.

I have always seen  myself in other people, crazy people, disturbed people, geniuses. I understand them, or parts of them and that frightened me. I’ve also always dealt with uber sensory dreams. Epic, emotional, extreme dreams. Trouble sleeping because of the thoughts. I’ve tried perpetual physical motion to help quell the speed of my thoughts, my constant ‘jiggling’ in bed, rocking, pacing, sniffing. The repetitive motion helps but also becomes it’s own group of potentially obsessive thoughts.

My whole life I’ve felt different and thought different, been different. Not in the way that we are all different, unique.  Been told that I’m over sensitive, over empathetic, too nice, too giving, too trusting, that I think too much. Never been able to distill (dumb down) my thoughts enough to communicate them properly to others and then I just feel guilty for being smarter than other people but less able to make myself understood. I don’t Mean to be smarter than I can’t help it. I DO Know what you’re thinking often, I DO get the joke, I DO get the irony. People often don’t get my jokes so I try not to make them. I know what they will think is funny and try to stick with that. I’m constantly suppressing my thoughts and feelings so I don’t hurt someone. This in and of itself  ends up hurting people because I withdraw. I have always felt like my dad could understand me, but now I’m not sure he can. He says I’m “needy” but I can’t help it. I just want someone to “get it”. I think maybe I'm going to have to "get it" for myself first.

A better day than most.

I imagine that in order to  follow my blog you will need some background information. This post will not contain that info. I have tried to decide where to begin my blogging journey, only to let indecision prevent me from actually starting. Today is Valentines day, so I've resolved that it is a better day than most to begin. From here on out, I will probably  post things in an order which will make them difficult but I ask that you bear with me. I also ask  my readers (assuming I attract any) to read and respect the following:

I AM JEN, WOMAN, DAUGHTER, SISTER, AUNT, LOVER, FRIEND. There is a smart, sexy, honest, quick-witted, sensitive, complex, genuine woman behind these and I expect to be treated as such. I'm kind but not naive. I love politics, science, debate, music, genuine people, and laughter. I hold no one to a higher standard than I hold myself. I will Not tolerate cruelty, bigotry, whining, or intentional ignorance. I am an unapologetic atheist, but respect the religion of others provided it is not pushed on me. I am happy to discuss my lack of belief in God, but only in a civil manner. I am involved with the love of my life, my kindred spirit, my one and only. I have no children, but hope to begin a family in the next couple of years. I will be 33 in a week. 

I believe the occurrence that served as the reason for sitting and typing this today is a call from my grandmother. My grandmother called today and asked me what day by birthday is, and how old I am. This might sound odd or even bizarre to someone who doesn't know my grandmother or my relationship with her. Honestly, it is a little odd, but probably not in the way it would seem. My grandmother has no acknowledged my birthday in 10 years or more. We have been disconnected for a number of reasons, some of which I am not privy to. I called her this morning to wish her a happy Valentines day. This was approximately the 6th time I've called her in the past 3 months, as I am working on being a better communicator. I have given up the notion or hope that I can change anyone but myself. I know my grandmother will never be the sort to knit me a blanket, or pay me compliments, or remember important occasions. She will probably always call me Jenny though I've asked her not to since I was about 12. All of those things are OK though. I CAN and WILL change myself and put myself out there in a way I can be proud of. After our first conversation, I received the return call from my grandmother. She said she could not remember when my birthday was but knew it was this month. I gave her the date and told her I'd be 33 this year. She replied "You're Joking!" and then "You really are all grown up". I replied "Yes, I am". I told her I loved her, which has been historically difficult for me to say to her and we got off the phone. A great sense of accomplishment, pride and peace came over me after hanging up. Perhaps by changing myself, I can inspire change in others. 

Dear reader, I will leave you on that note today. I'll be back to typing sooner than later. Thank you for reading this, I'd appreciate you coming back. 

Jennifer